Whole Lot of Heart.

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I’ve always been an all-in person. No gray areas. I put in my whole heart–all of me.

I’m learning a lot in this season of life. Much of it feels like growing pains, but that’s how you grow. I’m in the sweetest season: preparing to get married, living my last bit at home, soaking in time with family, cooking dinner for my parents, seeing long time friends in my hometown –the things that really fill my heart. But, there have been the growing pains. Long distance doesn’t get easier and training on my own, while a choice–has some ups and downs.

I’ve always had this vision of running full-time, working a successful job, becoming a loving wife and mom. And, I’ve always had the vision of them all together..in the same season…you know, like superwoman status. I have quite a few close friends that are full-time moms and runners or that work full-time and run professionally…and I have this secret envy. HEY! I WANT TO DO BOTH TOO!! OVER HERE! PICK ME! I CAN DO IT!

I continually try to fill my plate with more than I can do. While relying on God’s grace and peace, I’m also really good at saying, “I can do this.” I give myself pep talks like I do on hard tempo runs or long runs. I put my head down and work hard and put my heart all in.

Until…just recently, when I decided I was really tired. Like, really tired. Tears too often and asking, “why am I so tired?!” Well, I’m working, running, planning, traveling, doing big girl things. {who wouldn’t be tired?!} I went into the doctor to run blood tests and see what was wrong. The result? Nothing. I’m 100% healthy—but I’ve unconsciously  decided to live daily in a state of stress or needing to make big life decisions and accomplish all I can accomplish every day. The result? Tiredness.

So, I’ve started off by resting more, sleeping more, taking a step back. Taking time for slower mornings again. Taking time to be in the Word, to journal, to eat breakfast, to take a deep breath before heading out the door and running. The result? I feel more like me and I can breathe again. I took a race off the calendar and asked myself what was important to me this season. And, I realized: preparing for my Wedding and running the marathon I’ve said YES to, that I have my heart set on. It wasn’t until a run recently where I heard God’s voice loud and clear. God speaks to me when I’m not expecting it…but also, when I’m listening. And, after neglecting quiet time in the mornings, except for worship on my runs–my heart has had a harder time hearing His voice daily. And, I need to hear His voice. As I ran, I felt his peace and heard His voice. He spoke into who He has created me to be. I’m an all-in person, not someone that can do 50 things all at once. I put my heart all in—like the song, “Whole Lot of Heart” by Ingrid Michaelson.

My goodness. It was such a relief to hear His voice and say, okay–I can do this season and finish it well, but with taking some things off my plate, with clearing my mind, and choosing what to say “YES” to, but more, what to say “NO” to. And, I’m admitting for the first time in my life that I can’t do everything all at once and do it well. That’s just not me. I’m an all-in, all-heart person.

“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.”–Thomas Merton

Amen. I’m so thankful to slow and to hear God’s voice. He is helping me realize who I am at the deepest level. I’m all heart, all-in…passionately driven to do what God has created me to do. Right now, it’s planning a wedding and running.

So, if you’re tired. Slow down. Take a deep breathe. Look at who you are and who you believe God has created you to be. Are you that person?

Job 37:5-6, “God’s voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding. He says to the snow, ‘Fall on the earth,’ and to the rain shower, ‘Be a might downpour.'”

“God’s asking me to the thing he’s already created me to be. And he’s asking you to be the things he’s already created for you to be.

He doesn’t tell the snow to thaw and become rain, or the rain to freeze itself into snow. He says, essentially: do your thing. Do the thing that you love to do, that you’ve been created to do.”-S. Niequist, Present Over Perfect

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2 thoughts on “Whole Lot of Heart.

  1. Thank you so much for this post, Lauren. I am a reader who just came across this tonight, and I wanted to let you know how much God truly used your words in the mightiest of timing! I am also planning a wedding while balancing training and life… I went on staff full-time with a Christian sports ministry this summer with no intention of finishing out my prior NCAA eligibility… But the college at which I was placed thought differently. Soon enough, I have found myself in full-time ministry, back to collegiate running, taking minimum amounts of classes, and planning a wedding as of a few weeks ago. This week I hit my wall of “tiredness” as you described and realized that I wasn’t completing some tasks with the excellence God asks of us… But I didn’t know where to cut back. God has finally allowed running to blossom, and full-time ministry has been filled with His presence and power. Although I’m still feeling a little “stuck,” this post spoke so many words of truth (I’m also reading through Job- no coincidence there!). I love the concept of asking what God has created me to be… And going from there! Thank you for giving me something specific to pray about and words of truth!
    -Corinne

    • Corinee, I am so happy to hear this! Thank you for sharing! I love to hear that you’re in tune to how God is working in your life. Keep seeking him and asking him what He has for you! And, congrats on planning a wedding, too. What a sweet time!

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